Appetites Anonymous

Appetites Anonymous (AA) is a support group in the Hollywood area aimed at helping keep its members from eating people, since indulging in such desires often leads to being shot in the street by the LAPD. It was founded in 1981 by stockbroker Charles D. Bowers as part of an elaborate financial scam, swiftly becoming a legitimate charitable organization after Bowers realized that he had inadvertently allowed upwards of fifty man-eating monsters to know his name and face.

Program

Members of Appetites Anonymous are encouraged or mandated by court order to attend regular meetings that encourage "appetite abstinence" in the form of positivity mantras, sharing of personal stories, and an open salad bar.

The actual philosophy behind the program was first mentioned by Bowers before and during his mental breakdown that occurred at the first AA meeting. He opened with a statement that the "sheer number of horrible things" in the Hollywood area that had desires "to eat people, I'm not kidding, swallow people whole like a God-damn snack" had been severely underestimated by everyone, especially him. Sadly, before he could continue with his thoughts, Bowers was interrupted at this point by one of the members of the group clearing their throat. This prompted Bowers to shriek loudly and leave the room in a panic. He was found some two hours later, sobbing in the fetal position in an alley six blocks away.

Bowers later elaborated on the AA philosophy in a self-published book entitled Off the Menu: You Shouldn't Eat Me (Or Anyone). It lightly touches upon his breakdown, citing it as a result of over-excitement at the prospect of helping so many others, and goes on to detail how any reader can work hard to improve themselves and divest the very concept of eating people from their thinking. The first step is to begin by making a solemn vow to not eat one specific person, Charles D. Bowers, and until 1992 was the sole step of the program. The book has since undergone revisions by AA volunteers, cleaning up the numerous printing errors that marred the initial publication, such as the phrase "stay back I have a gun" being inserted into every third sentence.

The GULP System

AA endorses the use of a four-step process called the GULP System, to reduce incidents of "inappropriate appetite" among its members. Encouragement to "GULP first" has led to some tragic misunderstandings with new members, but AA continues to use the system on the basis that designing a new one would be expensive.

• G - Give yourself a moment to think.
• U - Understand that eating people is wrong.
• L - Learn from the experience.
• P - Please don't eat any more people.